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Curling, Skittles n Little Kimmy

A BIG, BIG DINOSAUR PARK WELCOME TO OUR BRAND SPANKING NEW CURLING LANE AND SKITTLES ALLEY (though not quite new enough to remain on the New-For-2019 Attractions page).

Now before you scoff and say that Curling (like it’s little brother bowls) is for nincompoops, inebriated local politicians and those over 85, just hang fire a mo’, OK?

It may not look cool, but, we guarantee that once you try it you will be hooked. It’s as addictive as pizzas, sweets and knocking on the police station window then running away. Fast. A real guilty pleasure.

And think of all the advantages of the icy sport of Curling: not only could your first go on our fandabidosi Curling Lane be the first step to Olympic gold at the next Winter Olympics, you also don’t even have to be fit to be good at Curling; neither do you have to do all that hard training and, get this, you can eat as many sweets and pizzas as you want, whenever you want. Even DURING an end of Curling

MOREOVER, YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE TO BE ALL TALL AND ATHLETIC TO BE GOOD AT IT. CURLING TALENT CAN COME FROM THE UNLIKELIEST BACKGROUNDS: ROAD SWEEPERS, SCOTTISH PEOPLE, REASONABLY MOBILE JANITORS, CANADIANS, RUSSIANS LIVING IN PEMBROKESHIRE WHO HAVE SOMEHOW ESCAPED THE DOPING BAN AND, LET US NOT FORGET, THOSE WITH A CONVULSIVE DISORDER OF THEIR BRUSH SWEEPING ARM. ALL THESE GROUPS START WITH AN OBVIOUS AND MASSIVE ADVANTAGE.

So what are you waiting for? Get cracking at a sport so generously given to the world by the Scottish. A sport that can trace its history all the way back to dim and distant 1511, long before the current Scottish nation donated deep fried mars bars to world cuisine (lord bless em for that). A sport featured in the Simpsons episode, ‘Boy Meets Curl’.

DISCOVER WHAT ‘HOG TO HOG’, ‘THE MANITOBA TUCK’, AND ‘BURNING THE STONE’ MEAN. AND REDISCOVER THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SPORTSMANSHIP, MODESTY AND RESPECT ESSENTIAL TO PROPER CURLING.

Talking of modesty and respect, and the recent Winter Olympics in Pongch’, Pyen’, P'...oh for the love of…in South Korea, you will never guess who wanted to swan over to Wales on a jolly once he heard of our new, top-of-the-range Curling Lane (with attached Skittles Alley) (don’t forget the skittles)…

OLE ROCKET MAN.

What d’you mean ‘who?’ You know, Rocket Man, Kim Yong Un, that bloke from NORTH Korea, the one with the uhm…’haircut,’ the unusual (to put it politely) rug on the top of his bonse. Not to mention that rosebud kisser that makes him look like he’s permanently sucking on a lemon. The President of North Korea, for heaven's sake, that’s who. A VERY important man.

YES, WELL NOW, DINSOAUR PARK HQ CAN, AT LAST, OFFICIALLY CONFIRM THE RUMOUR CIRCULATING IN ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA GOSSIP COLUMNS: THAT HE WANTED TO COME AND OFFICIALLY OPEN OUR LOVELY CURLING LANE (AND SKITTLES ALLEY)(DON’T FORGET THE SKITTLES). APPARENTLY HE LOVES CUTTING RED RIBBONS AND OPENING SUPERMARKETS WHEN HE’S NOT, YOU KNOW, GETTING UP TO ALL SORTS.

But, well, while we DO allow yowge man-eating dinosaurs in the Park, we DO NOT allow (allegedly) not-very-nice dictators here, the sort of bang-to-rights wrong’un who just might give us a bad name. It would be against health and safety for a start. And you know what health and safety is like these days, brother. Don't even go there, sister.

IN ANY CASE, WE DON’T WANT 'LITTLE KIMMY' (AS WE AFFECTIONATELY CALL 'IM AT THE PARK) FRIGHTENING THE KIDS (AND THE DINOSAURS), NOR DO WE WANT 'IM INFLUENCING THE YOUNG’UNS AT AN IMPRESSIONABLE AGE WITH THAT BLUMIN’ ‘HAIRCUT’, THAT RUG…THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CRASH HELMET OR, DARE WE SAY IT, AN EMBARRASSINGLY ILL-FITTING WIG. A RESPECTFUL WORD OF ADVICE, SIR, YOUR LORDSHIP YONG UN: 'RUG RETHINK'. ALRIGHT, YES, THAT'S TWO WORDS, BUT YOU GET OUR DRIFT, YOUR HIGHNESS-SHIP. WE'LL LEAVE IT THERE FOR NOW...

However, if he is not miffed at being banned from the Park we are still hoping he will send over that same group of gorgeous North Korean cheerleaders he sent to the ‘lympics. They would be welcome here any day, Sir Kim. And, no doubt, double the daily visitor numbers once word got round.

SO THERE WE HAVE IT: EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT CURLING, KIM JONG UN, AND THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

But forget all that (if you haven’t already) and get yourselves over here sharpish for your very first (but definitely not last) go on our beautiful Curling Lane. Oh, AND the Skittles Alley: don't forget the 'er, well you know by now. We don't have to say it again...SKITTLES!!! Sorry, just couldn't help that then. It just seems to sort of keep coming out. Skittles, skittles, skittles...AND Curling. Don't forget the Curling, boi.